Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
this is an emotional support booty call
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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