found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
Randomize
