just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
