The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
the day after is always just damage control
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
