you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
