I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
I don't think I'm allowed to have Burger King. What if i just chew for taste and not actually consume. Like a wine connoisseur for fast food
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
