This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
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