It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
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