somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize