i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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