just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I feel like David Hasselhoff when he's drunk eating that cheeseburger and crying. But with cheesecake.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
I told the border patrol officer she was smuggling drugs in her ass. I doubt she cheats on me again.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
