Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
Randomize
