Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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