Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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