Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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