Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
