I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
