I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.
Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.
He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
We haven't even eaten dinner yet and she's already been asked to "take it down a notch" by the groom's mom.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
Randomize
