Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
The house across the street caught on fire today, Drunk people high centered their car tonight. Looking out my front window I get to watch police chases all the time. I am going to miss this place.
Randomize
