you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?
Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
