Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
