Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
you ate the make a wish sign. Like actually chewed on it. It was our solution to going outside when the cops were there
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
