Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
we didnt even make it to the club...the two of us were sharing a plastc bag in the taxi puking into it.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
Randomize
