Screwed.edu
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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