hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Randomize
