meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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