i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
I think you begin to realize how unfair life really is when you're high and you discover that the new box of fruit by the foot on your shelf is actually empty
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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