My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
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