I'm sorry my penis didn't work
see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
And I think she just drunkenly ordered an ipad. she said it was so pretty she couldn't keep it "locked up" because an ipad has to be let free.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
Randomize
