You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
