Pappa wants mamma naked
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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