I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
You need Xanax blowdarts
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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