We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
