Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
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