Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
