home. puking in laundry basket.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize