you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.
BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
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