he was wearing sponge bob boxers. Guess how long he lasted.
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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