I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
