we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
