I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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