We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
