is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
