Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
at the time fanning him with a dish tray seemed like a good idea but when we found it buried in the dirt the next morning i questioned our judgement. needless to say he still threw up even with the extra breeze.
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