i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
So he thinks I sent him a picture of my boob last night, but it was really just a close up of my arm.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
