He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
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