Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
I totally thought the tree was playing the guitar
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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