Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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