I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
