At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
I would rather suck a dick or two than go there
I don't know about this Sanders guy after all. I'm voting for MYSTERY BABYLON, WHORE OF ALL THE EARTH
Hillary?
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
