I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
The chlamydia really affected his face.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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