Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
If I won't even leave the house for sex tonight. I definetly not going out for anything else.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
