i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
We might as well just set our livers out to sea on burning ships
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Randomize
