I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
