I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
While he was gone for spring break I took his head board... I don't wanna wake up from his shenanigans for the rest of my college career.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
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