I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
Pretty sure I only gave out my other # though. You know, 777 777-7777
Hahaha. So was it a Freudian slip, or wishful thinking? ;)
Could be either seeing as you're in my phone as "3rd bar" and I couldn't pick you outta a line up.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.
we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
please come upstairs a drunk asian is lying down n the middle of my room and i don't know him
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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