Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
Randomize
