I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
Note to self: NEVER have sex with anyone who is experiencing explosive diarrhea.
I've never been so happy to be celibate.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
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