i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
How does it feel to date your dad?
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
Well I hate to admit it but at this point I can successfully say i have been pee'd on by both of my roommates.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
