i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
