Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Is it 'vaginas' or 'vaginae?'. Either way there were a shit ton of them.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
My penis needs a shock collar
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
Randomize
